Intro.

What is love? Well, shit don’t ask me because I don’t have a single fucking clue. Trust me, I’ve had my fair shares of thinking the guy I’m with is the love of my LIFE! Ha, what a dumb fucking idiot I am. None of the guys I’ve dated have EVER, been the love of my life. Must say I’ve dodged a bullet with all these guys I have dated in the past. That’s right, I’m fucking single. Single as a pringle if I say so myself. I am on the market for some good Di.. I mean for a good man. Because, you know, I want to find my true love.

That’s what I’m looking for, my true love. It’s a plus if he can give me good dick though. Maybe I should put that on a sign, “SINGLE WOMAN NEEDS GOOD DICK and true love.” Nothing to out there you know? I know, I know, I sound desperate. I just want to find my true love. And dick.. it’s a bonus for me what can I say? The last guy who I thought was my true love decided that he didn’t know what he wanted. Other than to fuck me anytime we were together. Telling me that I was even BETTER than his ex of 10 years. How crazy is that? Me, better than her?

I think he lied, but maybe mama just knows how to work it.

Fuck, he was damn good with that mouth of his. The connection we felt, the feelings, and the penetration. God damn, I’m getting horny just thinking about it. NO, quit thinking about his cock. You are a happy single woman, and you can get better cock from somewhere else! Like…that toy that is hidden in your closet. No man can compare to that amazing little toy. I mean, it’s no man, doesn’t give me all the touchy, feely, kissy things that I want… It gets the damn job done okay?! Quit worrying about my hopeless romantic, dick craving, single woman self!

I’m fine, I’m perfectly fine! At least that’s what I tell myself. Everyday, for the past three years. YIKES!

I guess I should be honest, about why I haven’t dated in 3 years… shouldn’t I? Alright, you asked, so be it. It’s because I have this wall built up. I only open up so much to a man I’m with. Needless to say, there’s only ever been one man in my life that I opened up to. You know who that is right? GOD! Mother fucking GOD! Nah, I’m just fucking with you. It was a guy. No need for the details because I’m over that.

Seriously, I am over that.

I tried not long after dating someone. I can’t even count it as dating. We didn’t last longer than two weeks. He gaslighted the fuck out of me. I as a woman who knows what she deserves kicked his ass to the curb. HA, that rhymed! Seriously, whether you’re a man or woman, do not let a person gaslight you. You deserve so much better. He did that shit and he was lousy in bed. Sad, he could’ve at least given me good dick. I mean, I wasn’t asking for much. You just gotta work with what you got and add in some spice.

He left out the spice.

Non spice boys.

Oh shit, I haven’t even introduced myself yet! My name is Amber, you don’t happen to be my true love, or um, have good dick do you?

Part 4

Why is this happening? The dream? Seeing that planet for the first time? None of it makes any sense. I’ve never noticed that Planet before. Why am I seeing this now? I have to quit questioning. Yet, somehow I just keep questioning. Thinking to myself why would I see this in a dream and now I see it when I wake up? Could this be linked to the tentacles I see around here? Maybe it lives there? How can I figure out what all of this means?

Time for a shower to clear my mind. Standing there, letting the cold water run down entire body. You get use to cold showers since we don’t have hot water anymore. Still standing there questioning and overthinking about what I dreamt and saw. This shower feels amazing, time to get out and get dressed. I slip into the usual outfit and grab my headphones. I never go out without them. I’m planning to climb up this building to get a closer look at this planet that is in the sky.

I’ve never climbed all the way up here before. This building is dangerous. Has slowly been getting worse. Eventually, I’ll have to find a new place to live. This building, is tough to get up, I’m halfway there. I know I can do this. Bricks keep crumbling with every step or grab I make as I make my way up.

There’s a light.

It’s beautiful. Neon purple and blue.

I’m finally up here. It’s amazing. There’s a whole garden of flowers up here. It looks like someone has been taking care of it. There’s insects, even small animals up here. How did they even get up here? There’s a bench! Ah, I would love to sit down. This is nice. It’s so peaceful up here. The neon purples and blue make it look magical.

As I’m sitting there I notice something in the corner of my eye. I hurry up and get low so hopefully whoever it is won’t see me. It ends up not being a who, but a what.

It can’t be..

The tentacles!

Anime con

Since it’s been a minute I thought I would go ahead and post pictures from the anime con my son and I went to back in April. Enjoy!

1st day of the con.

He was Squirtle and I was Chainsawman.

I had my picture taken so many times. I loved it.

I met Rick Robertson. Happiest day of my life! I would post the photo of us but I look so bad!

Never mind. Here we are and I was so EXCITED!

Day 2, also the last day of Anime con.

Ken Kaneki is by far my favorite. I will be him again for Comic con which is a few months away, plus a different outfit.

I promise, my son had fun. He just wasn’t about getting his picture taken. I had so many smiling faces when they saw me. It made me truly so happy that people loved it and wanted pictures of me. It’s a good feeling ya know?

I entered my son into the cosplay contest. He loved it! He ran on stage and talked to the judges and ran off! Plus, a couple of girls were cheering him on before he was up.

And this is before the con, likeeeee a week before it. At last minute I decided to gender bend Ken Kaneki. The outfit I had is kind of loose and it bothers me. I love it, but I’m glad I chose to change it at last minute.

Comic con is at the end of September and I’m stoked! It’s three days long. Sadly, my mini me won’t be with me but that’s okay. I am dressing as Harley Quinn from the first suicide squad movie (I’m finally doing it! I’m so excited!), Gwenom, and of course Ken Kaneki. Only I’ll have the outfit he was wearing while he was being tortured. And I will hopefully have the ghoul contact this time. I’m so excited and I’m proud of myself for pushing myself to do things like this, that I love. Like yeah I’m 30, but I’m still fucking young. And yeah I’m a mom but who cares?! You only love once, enjoy your life! I also have a TikTok if any of you would like to follow it’s @vikiabruce. I’m really trying to grow my TikTok along with my blog!

Thanks for reading my blog and hope you enjoy my nerdiness! ❤

Part 3

I lay in bed restless most nights. Thinking about what I’ve seen roaming around the city. Not understanding what exactly “it” is. I toss back and forth trying to not think about it, but that’s all I can do. I think about this thing, this creature of some sort? All I’ve seen are tentacles. But what’s attached to these tentacles? Surely, something has to be attached to it. It could be an alien spaceship for all I know. Whatever “it” is, I can’t stop thinking about it.

“Where, wh-where am I? I don’t recognize this area. Am I, am I in space?

I must’ve finally fallen asleep and now I’m dreaming. This is beautiful. I’m in space. I can see a striped purple and blue planet. The sky is dark blue and purple with the glimmering stars. The ground is like the moon, white with some gray, and a little dusty when you walk. Gravity still exists though, lame. How does my mind come up with such a dream? Things that I’ve never even seen in my life? I mean yeah, similarities to things, but it’s like I created a whole world in my dream.

This reminds me of how the world is today. Only, I’m in space? That doesn’t make any sense. Or does it? I mean, our world has fallen apart, but it’s still beautiful with the neon colors. The rain isn’t so bad either along with the city lights still shining. Why am I dreaming of our world only in space form though? Am I..am I having a vision?

Woah, that was a strange dream. I don’t quite understand why I dreamt all of that? Oh well, it was probably nothing. I looked out the window and I can see how similar the world is to my dream. This area..it looks very familiar. Wait…This is where I was standing in my dream! What the fuck?! But, but, why? What does all of this mean? I don’t understand.

In that moment, I decided to look up into the sky and I saw it.

A striped purple and blue planet.

People call me Jake. I’m 16 years old. I typically wear a dark blue zip up hoodie, torn light blue jeans, and black and white Vanz. I have semi-long black hair, long enough that if I wanted “bangs” to cover my eyes it could. I guess you could say I’m pretty pale, tall, and skinny. Not a bad skinny, the type of skinny that makes me resemble an anime character. I always have my headphones on. I listen to music non-stop. It helps me out quite a bit in this weird world we live in. Without music, the world is quiet.

Music has always been apart of my life. I remember when I was a kid how much I loved music. My mother would always push me to do anything music related. I remember one Saturday morning, my mother woke me up to tell me we’re having a, “mother and son day.” I instantly jumped out of my bed and rushed to get ready. I hurried and got my blue jacket on and mom had filled my backpack with toys and snacks. I didn’t know where we were going, but I didn’t care because I was with her.

We would always walk in the city. Never took a cab or the subway. While we’re walking I’m looking around curious as to where we are going. She wouldn’t tell me and kept saying, “it’s a surprise.” We finally get to this small music shop. I was stoked seeing it and couldn’t wait to go inside. We’re introduced to this rocker looking guy and I’m told, “he’s teaching you all about music, he’s your instructor.” My mom struggled with money but somehow she managed to do this for me. I gave her the biggest hug and started to walk with the instructor when the world took a turn.

“Mom?” “Mother?!” “Hello!?”

All I could see was her arm sticking out from underneath all the rumble. Part of the building had fallen on top of her, and she was gone. For the longest time, I just sat there, next to her, telling myself “she’s still alive.” Waiting for her to be like a superhero and just make her way from under the rumble. It never happened, and eventually I parted ways.

Typically, I’m off to myself. Others look at me and talk, because I’m not scared to go out into the night. What can I say? The night calls to me and I dive into it. I can hear what people say about me even though I always have my headphones on. I can also just read their lips and know what they are saying about me. “He’s crazy for going out this late,” “he seems depressed,” “why does he dress like that?” And so on. I’m not crazy, I’m just not afraid of what’s going out there in the night, and like I said, it calls to me.

In the night I run, jump, climb, and swing. With nature taking over within the city it’s easy to do all of that. It’s like parkour, what I do can be dangerous, but I’m not afraid. It’s how I can easily get around and not many will see me. It’s also how I found the tentacles in the city. I was running and jumping throughout this building and I saw it in the corner of my eye. It was at a window, it looked like it was searching for something? Or maybe it was waiting around for something to show up? It didn’t notice me watching it. I didn’t stick around for very long to find out if it would notice me either.

I hurried getting out of there. That was the first time I had ever seen something like that in my city. ‘Had it always been there?” “Was it here the day the world went to complete and utter shit?” “Is it something bad?” All these questions popped into my head. I want to know more, and I will find out more.

Sometimes, I wish the world was back to normal. You know, living in a crazy city, the backed up traffic, people yelling at one another to cross the damn street, kids screaming because they want an ice cream cone, horns honking, and tires screeching. I sure as hell miss that. The world was pretty great. You could go to the park, run around, walk your dog, have a picnic, or just walk around with a friend or loved one. There’s so much that I remember about the world when it was normal. Animals would be outside chasing other animals, bugs would crawl into the small cracks of your walls, and families would be together hugging, laughing, and full of happiness.

What’s the world like today, you may ask? It’s not normal, that’s for sure. The world is dark, but with some sort of neon glow to it. Colors of blues, pinks, and purples. It’s cloudy and rains every single day and night. Sometimes, the rain is heavy and sometimes the rain is light. In a way it’s beautiful, but in other ways… it’s terrifying. City lights still shine at night. The colors become more vivid and bright. The rain shimmers in the night like glitter in the light. Along with buildings falling apart, nature growing in where those buildings use to be, buildings that stand halfway up, windows blown out from the tree branches that grow within the buildings now, and the insane amount of water holes that have been created by the rain that never stops. The world isn’t normal, and yet it’s still so beautiful.

Sunlight appears through the clouds during the day. Or at least tries to appear through the clouds. I’m not awake during the day much. Usually, I sleep throughout the day and wake up when the night falls. I’m not sure why, but I feel connected with the dark, cloudy, neon nights. The rain that comes down with its beautiful shimmer. I’m not scared of what the world has become. I’m scared of what I’ve seen in the mix of it. These robotic tentacles come out during the night. Remember in Spider-Man, the villain Doc Ock? Well.. that’s what these tentacles are like, only… there’s no one attached to these tentacles. I’m not sure what they are or who they are, but I plan to find out.

Caught myself just wanting to do some creative writing here lately. I have more written out but wanted to see what you guys thought before maybe writing some more to it. It’s not perfect, but I’m pretty happy with what I wrote up so far.

Thanks for always reading ❤

Thoughts throughout the day

Man, I don’t want to get up.

I should probably get up..

What’s 5 more minutes?

Well, shit, my alarm didn’t go off!

Better get up.

I really need some coffee.

Better make some coffee.

I still got time to relax and enjoy my coffee.

Well, I got distracted, better hurry up and get to work.

Fuck, I don’t care.

1 minute late?

Who gives a shit.

Other people don’t get in trouble in the department.

I really, just want to go home.

Oof, need my headphones.

Ignore all the bullshit and find stuff to do so others will leave you alone.

Fuck.

Why do they put the damn trash on top of my cart with all the containers?!

I’m tired of being treated like shit by someone in Ortho.

One day she likes me, the next she’s being a smartass towards me.

Ignoring me and claiming I’m ignoring her.

I’m going to play on my phone, everyone else is doing it.

I love my job, I love my job.

Man, I do not trust her.

Ha, of course he’s just in the office playing his damn game on his phone.

Fuck, I really don’t want to unload the washer.

I’m hungry.

Time to go.

So ready to be home.

Fuccckkkkkkkkkk! I don’t want to do dishes..

What should I make for dinner?

Shit, it’s already late.

Maybe I should workout tomorrow?

No, I should go today.

Sike. Binge watch something.

My mind is running nonstop. I kid you not. Even when I watch something, my mind won’t shut off. It’s rather annoying to be honest. I end up staying up ungodly late from watching a movie or a show, plus my mind running nonstop. But, when I have my son, it’s super easy to just pass out. Which I have been told maybe I have separation anxiety or something like that? Which, I will say when he’s not here, it’s a lot harder for me. I literally work and come home. Maybe that’s the issue? Who knows. Enjoy my thoughts though.

What am I going to do about bills?

I’m tired of being broke and miserable.

Remember to apply for that job and look for others.

Why am I in a funk?

I’m not really sure how I’m feeling lately.

Or maybe I do know and just don’t know how to explain it?

It’s like I’m in a funk that I can’t get out of.

And no matter what I do this funk that I’m in stays.

You know, I’ve had to do some things to help with this funk.

Some of you may find it to be wrong and some of you may understand.

I had to cut out a couple of family members.

My mom and grandma.

They were part of this funk and stress that I felt.

Always tearing me down. making fun of me for having financial problems,

talking trash on my dad, and the worst of all would have to be how they said I was taking advantage of them.

I finally said, “no more.”

So yeah, since the beginning of January I cut them out.

The sad thing is that my mother doesn’t think she did anything wrong and that I’m the bad guy.

But, to be honest, I’ve been better off.

My work life has been stressful as well.

People have been purposely trying to get me in trouble for things.

One who I thought was my friend of two years now.

She didn’t stand up for me, and she was also talking trash about me.

It’s a long story.

But, it’s funny how I’m the one getting trouble for all the stuff that she actually does.

Needless to say, I quit talking to everyone in my department, stick a headphone in my ear and call it good.

I just recently started talking again. But I don’t trust her, plus another girl in the department.

Stressful and drama.

By talking less and keeping to myself it has made my stress a lot better.

But, I still don’t feel happy there.

How can I love what I do, but feel so miserable at the same time?

Another thing that has helped with stress?

Well, I don’t really talk to my sons father anymore.

I mainly just talk to the step mother.

She actually answers when I text or call.

She’s also the main one taking care of my kid.

Taking him to appointments, taking him to school, teaching him new things, etc.

We also have hung out a few times now.

Which we actually get along real well.

I’ve never disliked her, I just know that she doesn’t fully know the truth about things.

Even my best friend said, “she has to know that he’s been lying to her, because why would she be hanging with you and plus, getting along so well?”

She has to have realized something by this point.

All I can say to that is, “maybe she has, but I won’t ever ask.”

Ever since I quit talking to him, the stress has pretty much gone away.

But yet, here I am still in a funk.

I feel it has to be my financial situation.

The fact I can’t get a house, or even a two bedroom apartment.

My account has been going negative for almost a month now.

My job doesn’t pay enough, but yet I can’t find something else that I’m interested in.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully be happy until I figure out this job situation.

So, maybe I do know why I am in a funk.

My job.

Money.

Laptop is working again. This is kind of like a little life update, The usual stress, job, life, etc. Hope you guys enjoyed and are doing well! ❤

Update

Update