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It’s not butterflies

Something, that isn’t butterflies for once?

Have you ever just felt something?

But, what about a whole entirely new feeling?

Something that you know that you have never, ever felt in your life?

It’s something that feels right,

Like, it was meant to be.

Almost like you have found your other half.

Is that crazy sounding?

You’re heart beats real fast,

Giddy and nervous the moment you get even just a minute alone,

Because well, we’re at work, and it’s not allowed.

But,

All we need is that minute.

That minute to get that quick hug.

That minute to get a quick kiss.

And than, we part.

We go along with our day,

We message each other throughout the day while working,

Even though he’s right around the corner from my desk, working back in the warehouse part.

He’ll sneak past me, and we’ll both glance right quick before we go back to working.

The end of his shift, I’ll be on my last break, we talk, and we hug, we kiss, and off he goes.

I work a couple more hours, and when I’m off, I automatically message him. Even though I’ve been messaging him the entire time.

For the first time this week, we were able to hang out, outside of work.

So many feelings,

It’s fucking perfect.

We hung out a second time this week.

Feelings going out of control to where you know you’re going to slip up and say those words.

Those words that honestly scare you, but you feel it.

There’s no fucking doubt about it,

This is how I feel.

He grabs my face and says, “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

I am too,

I love you.

Thanks for reading.❤️

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Drunken thoughts on being alone

Holy shit….

I’m single,

Finally, by myself once again

Honestly, it’s amazing!

I found myself unhappy during this relationship..

Why?

I was no where near ready for one.

I honestly let the things he said crawl into my head and convince me that I could try and see how things would go.

I just wanted to be alone.

Be alone, focus on me, my son, our life

I enjoy being alone,

I don’t have someone up my ass 24/7

Telling me what I can and can’t do.

I feel free.

Honestly, my relationship before that,

Just really fucked with my head,

The fear of someone appearing into my life and my sons life,

And out of nowhere just fades away…scares me..

It’s better this way, to wait, to focus on myself and my son,

I can do better,

I can find better,

Someone who will want to be with me and my son,

Love both of us,

As of right now though?

It’s me and my son against the world.

Thanks for reading. ❤️

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Life as a single mom

Are you a single mom? Does it bother you to be a single mom? Well, it shouldn’t! Even if shit gets hard you just tough it up and be the greatest mom you can be. That right there is me. I’m a struggling single mom. Yes, I was in a 6 month relationship, but he wasn’t ready to be a stepfather. He also in all honesty, realized that he couldn’t accept a kid that wasn’t his. Which has seriously fucked with my head if I’m being quite honest. Why waste 6 months of my life to just dump me because you realized that you couldn’t handle a package deal? It is, what it is and in my heart I know that it is better that we are no longer together. My son comes first, no matter what.

When the relationship ended I realized that it was time for me to just stay on my own. To focus on my son and myself are my two top priorities. Now, am I the perfect mother? Well, no. Honestly, I’ve had my fair share of rebounds, and even catch myself interested in one of them. He wasn’t a rebound though, just someone I liked, and well things happen. I’m only human, and sex is natural, shit happens. But, yes we have continued to talk and see where things go. No we are not a couple, but we have told each other that we’d like to see where things go in the next few months. Because honestly, I can’t be 100% committed just yet, it’s like I still need time. However, he has met Vincent and he really likes him. Before anyone judges, we act like friends in front of him, nothing else.

So, I’m a single mom who is slowly talking to someone and taking care of my son. I’m also struggling like crazy due to money issues, but my friend does help me and so has my family. It means the world to me, but at the same time I hate it because I literally hate asking anyone to help me out. I am very much thankful though. Things are finally looking up as I finally got offered a full time job! Hopefully, this rut that I’m in will get better now! I have a part time retail job, but it doesn’t pay the bills and I only work like two days a week. I don’t make shit to be quite honest, so I’ve been on top of finding a full time job. I finally had some good luck and I’m thankful for that as well.

I don’t ask anyone to help me with my son. Like, I don’t ask my parents to watch him on my time because I want all that time for myself. Yes, he see’s his family, but I’m always there. I try to teach him, and feed him good. I always interact with him, unless he gets mad because he wants to be independent and play on his own. Breaks my heart when he does that. I try to take him anywhere and everywhere to get out of the house. Sometimes though, we’ll just stay at home and I steal all the cuddles I can from him. This every other week thing sucks. I always miss him within a couple days, sometimes less. I wish I could have him every week.

Now, I can’t remember if I explained why the visitations are like that. His father wanted the visitations like that due to him wanting time to himself. I tried to offer other visitations, but he wouldn’t work with me on that. So to avoid conflict I just agreed. We have decided that we will go to mediation or possibly court at some point though. Just so that we have our agreements on paper. It sucks, but that’s how shit goes down sometimes. If the time comes and I’m able to change the visitations than I will, because I would love for Vincent to see both of us every week instead of seeing one of us every other week.

Moving on from that, it has been hard being a single mom. I don’t ask his father to help me nor do I expect money from him either. I take care of everything on my side when I have him. If I had to describe my life as a movie I would choose the movie Bad Moms. I’m seriously Mila Kunis’s character in that movie. Watch that movie and you’ll understand what I mean. I’m always on the run, I cry all the time, I try to give Vincent good meals, I try my best to give him the best and show him the best I can be. It is definitely hard. It’s also worth it though, just to see my son happy and healthy.

I love my son to death, and I love being his mother. ❤

Thanks for reading.

On a side note, the part about the visitations and his father aren’t meant to attack him in any certain way. So please don’t take it that way. 🙂

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Thoughts on a drunken walk alone

Do you ever feel lonely?

Walking by yourself and you’re fucking drunk to be quite honest

You’re shit faced,

Walking by yourself in the dark,

And you have absolutely nobody..

Do you ever feel that the guy you still love, I don’t know,

Maybe he’s completely over you already?

Or maybe it’s just the alcohol?

Do you ever feel like you’re fucking alone?

Yeah, I mean, I got my son, he’s all I need.

But..shit, shits been hard,

You stay to yourself.

I still love you, but does he still love me?..

Fucking shit faced and you don’t remember a god damn thing you said tonight.

What the fuck, who do I call?

4:30 in the mother fucking morning and I’m sitting in my car

I think, ” why not making a fucking blog?”

Life’s not fucking perfect, life’s hard, but it will get better…

I can’t lie, I got fucking trashed last night, I repeatedly called one of my friends and I pissed him off. I have no clue what I said or if from repeatedly calling just pissed him off. I mean come on I was trashed..I’ve dealt with friends like that and yeah it sucks. I have no memory of what I even said, other than asking for a fucking ride maybe? Other than that, I’m lost. I called my ex as well repeatedly, and my roommate. They both understood. Thank god. Life is messy. Sometimes we humans get messy too. But don’t beat yourself up, you’re only human. For the record I NEVER get trashed. Last night though, I just let loose. For my ex we did see each other for the first time in almost two months since the breakup. We talked, laughed, and smiled. But in my heart I know this is the best for us. For my roommate, she made me bacon.

Thanks for reading.❤️

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New make up goods

Hello, all my lovely readers! Today I will be writing a short blog about a few make up products I bought while I was on my trip. Enjoy!

 

Hourglass stick foundation:

The minute I saw that the Sephora had Hourglass products I almost died. I instantly had to have this. I’ve used it about three times already, and what do I have to say about this? Well, I fucking love it. It’s more coverage than what I am use too, but it feels like there is nothing on my skin. It doesn’t look cakey, and it looks good throughout the day! I would say the color match is pretty spot on as well. The color I’m using is ivory. I definitely recommend getting your hands on this!

NARS Laguna bronzer:

Just your typical bronzer. I love Nars products, and I love how simple the packaging is. There’s not much to say other than I love how the color looks on my skin. ❤️

MILK Longwear gel eyeliner in CEO:

This is just a nice dark brown eyeliner. I’ve used it once, and I will say it dries very fast. So you have to work fast with it if you’re trying to drag it to make a wing with it. I do love the color and it lasts all day. I still need to try it a few more times and see if I like it or not. I’m trying to master this makeup look by Claire Marshall on YouTube. She’s amazing, idk how she was able to make it work with her but I tried to and it did not work for me! But I may just need a little more practice moving fast and making that perfect wing since I’m use to liquid eyeliner!

Alright, that is all for now! I hope you enjoy this short blog. ❤️

Overthinker

Drinking away,

Kind of starting to feel the alcohol.

And all I do is think.

Sometimes maybe even overthink?

Overthink for no reason.

Like everything just all hits at once,

And it’s like what the fuck?!

I think of one thing, and move on to the next.

It’s an endless line of things running through my head.

I try to block away all the negative things, but it all just comes crashing back to me.

So I think until I overthink, to the point that I’m worried.

It’s like, my mind is playing games on me…making me overthink things when I shouldn’t..

Alright, I am for sure an over thinker. I always have been. Sometimes I just catch myself overthinking. Constantly, just thinking of anything and everything. I guess it goes along with anxiety.

Yet again, another unfinished blog that I had started I think back in September?

My overthinking has been a lot better. Yes, it’s still here and there. I try hard to talk myself out of overthinking. It’s hard but I’m trying.

Thanks for reading.❤️

Anxiety

You ever just sit alone.

And you start to think?

Think about anything and everything?

It consumes you and you have no control over it..

You try to push all those thoughts back, but they just won’t go away.

It eats away at you.

You feel emotional.

Sad.

On the verge of crying.

You force yourself to stop though.

The emotions you’re feeling are pointless.

There’s no need.

But you still let it eat away at you.

Sometimes I get real in my head. This is an unfinished blog that I had started a couple months ago. I never finished. I still get in my head so bad. I hate it. I have trouble trying to talk myself out of bad thoughts. Sometimes I end up crying from how bad my thoughts are. One day someone said it sounds like you deal with anxiety. I hadn’t heard someone tell me I had anxiety since I was in 8th grade. The minute I realized it I stopped the thoughts.

But, I have my days still. It hasn’t been as bad, but I still have those days.

Hope you enjoyed reading this. ❤️

2 months

2 months already.

Where do I start?

You’ve amazed me.

You have literally made this cold soul alive again.

I’ve never been truly happy.

Until you came into my life.

Well, other than my son of course.

You’ve showed me how to live again.

I had given up. I was done.

I wanted to be alone.

You changed that.

Now, I wake up everyday, happy, knowing that I have you in my life.

I know you’re my other half, my soulmate.

Ha, I know I’ve told you that repeatedly.

But it’s true.

I feel complete with you in my life.

I’m sure me always repeating myself gets annoying or old.

Maybe, I’m just that happy or excited that I feel the need to always be repetitive?.

I know I can be a handful sometimes, hell maybe it’s all the time.

You’re still there by my side.

I promise, I’ll never leave your side, I will always work with you through the tough times, I will always try my best to keep you happy, even though you tell me I don’t have to try. (Haha.) You’re the one. Forever & Always. ❤️

Thanks you guys for reading my sappy/cheesy blog. 🙂

Ryan, I love you so much, always. I pinky promise, to always be by your side. ❤️

It started with YuYu

So…I’ve only read a couple of Victoria’s posts, so I hope I’m not repeating too much.

When I very first met her, I never thought we would end up where we are right now. Or that I would walk into work one day and see the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever met in my life. And as nicely as our weirdness fits in with the others now, we were definitely weird and awkward at the beginning.

But still the best thing of all to me, was the fact that I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone in any way. But after actually meeting and talking to her a couple times, it was just like…”oh, there you are. Come on”.

That’s the easiest way I’ve ever been able to explain it to her. And we started talking a lot. But one night when we were just asking random questions, one of them was what’s your favorite anime? Well, both of us said YuYu Hakusho. And I can’t say I knew then…but I hoped then. I hoped I got a chance with this amazing girl.

Well, I did! And it’s been absolutely amazing so far. She’s a wonderful person, a great mom, and tries hard at everything. We have a bunch of stuff in common, like even know we’re sitting here watching Sword Art Online.

I have a son, who is 10. Him and Victoria get along well, and that’s a big thing. He’s a super sweet boy, but just the fact that they get along so well…well, it’s enough to make you happy as hell.

To end this, I can only say thank you. Thank you baby, for being absolutely amazing. Thank you for already loving me so hard. I love you so much, and am so happy with you! You are one of my favorite things ever, and I’m beyond happy to have a life with you! And thanks to everyone that reads this! ~Ryan