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Sometimes,

I get into my head real bad.

My mood completely changes.

I, as a person change.

I say who I truly am, but,

when I overthink and stress,

I’m not who I say I am.

No one seems to really understand that.

I can’t help it.

Even when I try to fight it, it only seems to make it worse.

I shut down.

I build walls all around me to try and block everyone out.

It’s hard though.

When someone is around, and you have to try to pretend like you’re okay, when in all honesty, you’re stressed, overthinking, and just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I try so hard to hide it and keep to myself.

But, damn..when I do it, I end up flipping or getting emotional.

I let everything build up and or get to me that it changes me.

I’m not me.

This is unfinished. I’ve been so tired and busy lately that I just haven’t had the time to focus on writing. Soon though I’ll get back at it. ❤️

Anxiety

You ever just sit alone.

And you start to think?

Think about anything and everything?

It consumes you and you have no control over it..

You try to push all those thoughts back, but they just won’t go away.

It eats away at you.

You feel emotional.

Sad.

On the verge of crying.

You force yourself to stop though.

The emotions you’re feeling are pointless.

There’s no need.

But you still let it eat away at you.

Sometimes I get real in my head. This is an unfinished blog that I had started a couple months ago. I never finished. I still get in my head so bad. I hate it. I have trouble trying to talk myself out of bad thoughts. Sometimes I end up crying from how bad my thoughts are. One day someone said it sounds like you deal with anxiety. I hadn’t heard someone tell me I had anxiety since I was in 8th grade. The minute I realized it I stopped the thoughts.

But, I have my days still. It hasn’t been as bad, but I still have those days.

Hope you enjoyed reading this. ❤️

Life Update

Ah man, where do I begin?

It feels like forever since I last blogged.

What have I been up to?

Just busy, with work, my son, and spending a bunch of time with my boyfriend.

Work is, well work.

I’m so unhappy at work.

It’s just a bunch of bullshit and I can’t stand the place.

Other than seeing my man there.

Which we’ll see each other maybe once or twice while at work.

My son, well he’s just getting bigger and bigger.

Very rebellious.

Talking a bunch.

It’s super tiring though.

I started today trying to potty train him again.

The first time I tried I honestly didn’t think he was ready.

It’s no bueno.

He hates it. Haha

But, other than the potty training I’ve just been spending all my time with him.

Giving him all my love and just trying to be the best mom I can be.

It’s hard to do everything with a job that doesn’t pay shit and paying soooooo many bills.

It’s a struggle, but I’m making it through and keeping my son happy.

The boyfriend?

Well, every other week when I don’t have Vincent, I’m spending my time with him and also one day out of that week I see his son.

We bullshit, drink, hangout, and just spend literally every waking moment with each other.

It’s pretty amazing.

Well, that’s an update as if what I’ve been up too. We may be possibly going to Oktoberfest on Saturday so if we do, I’ll be sure to take pictures and videos and post a blog of that.

Thanks for reading. ❤️

Nerves

Have you ever felt so sick,

Sick to the point that you can’t eat?

You feel this pressure in your chest

And feel the sickness slowly coming up.

You get shaky,

Your heart is pounding so hard and fast, but you have no idea how to make it stop?

You try to eat,

But it only makes you feel even more sick?

The stress, nerves, depression, start to kick in all over again.

It takes days to finally calm down…

That feeling no longer there,

The happiness slowly creeps back in,

The stress you were having starts to make its way out of you.

Your heart slows down,

Back to its normal pace,

Beating its normal rhythm it once had done before.

Thanks for reading.❤️

I’m not ready…

I’m not ready to be committed into a relationship.

I can’t seem to get myself 100% interested into someone.

I’m not fully myself just yet.

Honestly, I’m not sure when I will be myself.

I can’t give my all to someone.

It could be months, or even years.

I catch myself interested, but not fully able to give myself to someone.

Not just yet.

I have too much going on.

I feel the need to focus on me and my son.

The stress I deal with on a daily eats me alive and I just can’t be myself.

I shut down, I hide how I’m feeling or what I’m even dealing with.

I drink on my week alone.

Alone at home.

With only my thoughts, overthinking everything.

I’m just not ready.

Thanks for reading. ❤️

Do you ever find yourself..

Thinking? Thinking about just anything and everything? Wondering what things would be like if you had done something different? Or would’ve taken that next step? What about moving? Moving far away and getting away from everything and everyone? Questioning all the what if’s, and what could I have done differently?

Shutting down? Shutting down from people and your family? Crying almost every night with absolutely no one to talk too. Whether it’s a relationship or just personal issues? Shutting down from starting a new relationship because you know you’re not ready, and the thought of being dumped because of having a kid is embedded into your head now.

Feeling alone? When all you need is someone to talk too. Yet, when you do talk even just a little bit it doesn’t seem to help. So you still feel like you’re alone or you’re not getting the advice you need or maybe just possibly want to hear.

Moving forward? Trying your hardest to move forward but you’re stuck. You’re stuck with just certain things, things that still need time. People question it, push and rush you. They don’t understand why you can’t just move forward so fast or even too fast. So you just stop and take your time. You’ve reached a point where you have slowly, but surely moved forward.

Stuck? Stuck in this unlucky situation. You keep your head up and try to stay positive. One thing after another happens and you just finally take in all that negativity. You let it take over you, to the point that you find yourself in this mood, a mood that you can’t get yourself out of. You carry a false smile just so people won’t question you. When in all reality you know that you feel stuck.

Questioning love? Questioning if you’ll ever find love. True love? Does it even exist anymore? Or is it just in fairytales? You have all the love for your son/daughter and family, but you can’t seem to find someone who truly loves you. You don’t have that connection with someone special. You want to feel that love with someone, something different than loving family. Yet, you question if you’ll ever be able to open up to love again.

Thanks for reading.❤️

Cloudy day thoughts

Ugh, I need coffee.

Man, I can’t believe the luck I’ve been having lately.

There’s been ups and there’s been downs.

This coffee hits just the spot.

Let’s watch some YouTube to start my day.

Oh, shit, I skipped a video, better watch that.

I’ll do the dishes later, gotta get ready fast.

Busy day today.

Try to stay positive.

Ugh, I’m tired already.

Running errands all day kind of blows.

What do I think of all that is happening right now?

I guess it’s a good thing he ended it with me…

I have way too much going on anyway.

What happened to, “I’m not going to leave you because you’re dealing with personal things, huh?”

Salty.

How can I trust a friend, with the betrayal that I feel?

Maybe it’s time to just shut down from people for awhile.

I’ve never relied on a friend, until I needed it the most…

Smack to the face.

More salty.

I have to keep my head up.

It’s what I have to do.

I will not give up.

Thanks for reading. 💙