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Sometimes,

I get into my head real bad.

My mood completely changes.

I, as a person change.

I say who I truly am, but,

when I overthink and stress,

I’m not who I say I am.

No one seems to really understand that.

I can’t help it.

Even when I try to fight it, it only seems to make it worse.

I shut down.

I build walls all around me to try and block everyone out.

It’s hard though.

When someone is around, and you have to try to pretend like you’re okay, when in all honesty, you’re stressed, overthinking, and just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I try so hard to hide it and keep to myself.

But, damn..when I do it, I end up flipping or getting emotional.

I let everything build up and or get to me that it changes me.

I’m not me.

This is unfinished. I’ve been so tired and busy lately that I just haven’t had the time to focus on writing. Soon though I’ll get back at it. ❤️

Admire

You ever just stare?

Stare at the one you love and question, “why the hell does he love me?”

You stare and just admire all the little things he does.

The way he smiles, his deep laugh he lets out during funny parts of movies, or when you see him kind of glance over for the slightest second…

Your heart melts.

It pounds so fast because all you can do is admire him.

You think about your future together.

You think to yourself about how you can’t wait til he asks you to be his wife.

Or how much in a rush you are to have a kid already.

Because it all feels so right.

You feel all of this with just a simple look at him.

It’s perfect.

You ever just catch yourself staring and thinking how fucking lucky you are to have him in your life?

That he’s all yours, and you want him to be yours, always, and forever..

When you stare over at him and he’s doing his usual goofy dance,

And you can’t help but giggle at how silly he is.

When we’re doing our own thing together and I look and stare at you,

And there you are, playing your video game.

God, the excitement I get when I just fucking stare at you…

As I write this blog this instant.

Honestly, I’m not great at explaining my feelings, I’m so repetitive it’s insane. It’s like I try to explain how I feel, but every time it’s the same repetitive shit I always say. And there’s just no other way of saying how I feel out in some sort of different form. Like if I could legit say how much I love this man I would. Hell, I can’t even tell him how much because, well, every time I do try, I end up saying the same damn thing. It’s like, I can think it, but I can’t explain it. If that makes any sense.?

I’m very new to this whole, being “in love” thing. I never have been, and the moment I met him I knew he was the ONE for me. I don’t even know how to explain that. I just knew it, felt it.

I’m honestly not sure what else to say. Even when I have been drinking writing is still tough. Haha.

Thanks for reading guys. ❤️

Overthinker

Drinking away,

Kind of starting to feel the alcohol.

And all I do is think.

Sometimes maybe even overthink?

Overthink for no reason.

Like everything just all hits at once,

And it’s like what the fuck?!

I think of one thing, and move on to the next.

It’s an endless line of things running through my head.

I try to block away all the negative things, but it all just comes crashing back to me.

So I think until I overthink, to the point that I’m worried.

It’s like, my mind is playing games on me…making me overthink things when I shouldn’t..

Alright, I am for sure an over thinker. I always have been. Sometimes I just catch myself overthinking. Constantly, just thinking of anything and everything. I guess it goes along with anxiety.

Yet again, another unfinished blog that I had started I think back in September?

My overthinking has been a lot better. Yes, it’s still here and there. I try hard to talk myself out of overthinking. It’s hard but I’m trying.

Thanks for reading.❤️

Anxiety

You ever just sit alone.

And you start to think?

Think about anything and everything?

It consumes you and you have no control over it..

You try to push all those thoughts back, but they just won’t go away.

It eats away at you.

You feel emotional.

Sad.

On the verge of crying.

You force yourself to stop though.

The emotions you’re feeling are pointless.

There’s no need.

But you still let it eat away at you.

Sometimes I get real in my head. This is an unfinished blog that I had started a couple months ago. I never finished. I still get in my head so bad. I hate it. I have trouble trying to talk myself out of bad thoughts. Sometimes I end up crying from how bad my thoughts are. One day someone said it sounds like you deal with anxiety. I hadn’t heard someone tell me I had anxiety since I was in 8th grade. The minute I realized it I stopped the thoughts.

But, I have my days still. It hasn’t been as bad, but I still have those days.

Hope you enjoyed reading this. ❤️

2 months

2 months already.

Where do I start?

You’ve amazed me.

You have literally made this cold soul alive again.

I’ve never been truly happy.

Until you came into my life.

Well, other than my son of course.

You’ve showed me how to live again.

I had given up. I was done.

I wanted to be alone.

You changed that.

Now, I wake up everyday, happy, knowing that I have you in my life.

I know you’re my other half, my soulmate.

Ha, I know I’ve told you that repeatedly.

But it’s true.

I feel complete with you in my life.

I’m sure me always repeating myself gets annoying or old.

Maybe, I’m just that happy or excited that I feel the need to always be repetitive?.

I know I can be a handful sometimes, hell maybe it’s all the time.

You’re still there by my side.

I promise, I’ll never leave your side, I will always work with you through the tough times, I will always try my best to keep you happy, even though you tell me I don’t have to try. (Haha.) You’re the one. Forever & Always. ❤️

Thanks you guys for reading my sappy/cheesy blog. 🙂

Ryan, I love you so much, always. I pinky promise, to always be by your side. ❤️

50 things about my boyfriend:

1. His name is Ryan.

2. He is 36 years old. (Only 10 years older than me)

3. His birthday is July 18, 1983.

4. His favorite color would have to be purple.

5. He loves video games.

6. He has a 10 year old son, his name is Blayde.

7. He’s LOVES Mexican food.

8. Slipknot is one of his favorite bands.

9. He’s blunt and to the point about shit.

10. He has super curly hair, and I love it!!

11. He hates pants.

12. He also hates DragonBall GT. (What’s wrong with him? That’s my favorite!)

13. He likes anime.

14. He likes the cold.

15. He’s a pretty damn good cook.

16. Secretly he’s a sweetheart. (At least to me he is.)

17. He likes beer.

18. He’s great with kids, and kids love him.

19. He has a bunch of tattoos and plans on getting more.

20. He’s very smart.

21. He loves to read.

22. He’s respectful.

23. He’s proud of his trophy collection on his ps4.

24. Doesn’t really drink soda, coffee, etc., stuff that has caffeine.

25. He’s funny as all hell.

26. Not a fan of sweets/chocolate.

27. He loves going to concerts. (Can’t wait to do that together)

28. He tells me constantly how much he loves me. (I can’t get enough of it)

29. He likes everything spicy. Nuff said.

30. He has the same music taste as me.

31. He’s traveled everywhere, I’m jealous.

32. He’s protective.

33. He roasts me, and I roast back. (Well…I try too)

34. He carries a rick and morty purse around. Haha

35. He drives a Jeep.

36. He lovesssss onions.

37. He’s honest.

38. He’s somewhat of a loner.

39. We work together.

40. He’s never been into cuddling, but he is now.

41. Even though he’s not a fan of sweets, he does like cheesecake.

42. He’s a good listener. (At least he listens to anything and everything I have to say) haha

43. Man, he’s nerdy as fuck.

44. His nickname? Big Poppa. Haha

45. He tries really hard, to make sure I’m happy. (He doesn’t have to try though)

46. He’s always surprising me with little gifts.

47. He has a nice beard.

48. He’s a great father.

49. Ryan, he’s truly an amazing boyfriend. He’s perfect.

50. He always says cute things back, even though that’s not his thing. ( he doesn’t have to, and I never expect him to, but when he does it makes my heart melt.)

It’s not butterflies

Something, that isn’t butterflies for once?

Have you ever just felt something?

But, what about a whole entirely new feeling?

Something that you know that you have never, ever felt in your life?

It’s something that feels right,

Like, it was meant to be.

Almost like you have found your other half.

Is that crazy sounding?

You’re heart beats real fast,

Giddy and nervous the moment you get even just a minute alone,

Because well, we’re at work, and it’s not allowed.

But,

All we need is that minute.

That minute to get that quick hug.

That minute to get a quick kiss.

And than, we part.

We go along with our day,

We message each other throughout the day while working,

Even though he’s right around the corner from my desk, working back in the warehouse part.

He’ll sneak past me, and we’ll both glance right quick before we go back to working.

The end of his shift, I’ll be on my last break, we talk, and we hug, we kiss, and off he goes.

I work a couple more hours, and when I’m off, I automatically message him. Even though I’ve been messaging him the entire time.

For the first time this week, we were able to hang out, outside of work.

So many feelings,

It’s fucking perfect.

We hung out a second time this week.

Feelings going out of control to where you know you’re going to slip up and say those words.

Those words that honestly scare you, but you feel it.

There’s no fucking doubt about it,

This is how I feel.

He grabs my face and says, “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

I am too,

I love you.

Thanks for reading.❤️