Admire

You ever just stare?

Stare at the one you love and question, “why the hell does he love me?”

You stare and just admire all the little things he does.

The way he smiles, his deep laugh he lets out during funny parts of movies, or when you see him kind of glance over for the slightest second…

Your heart melts.

It pounds so fast because all you can do is admire him.

You think about your future together.

You think to yourself about how you can’t wait til he asks you to be his wife.

Or how much in a rush you are to have a kid already.

Because it all feels so right.

You feel all of this with just a simple look at him.

It’s perfect.

You ever just catch yourself staring and thinking how fucking lucky you are to have him in your life?

That he’s all yours, and you want him to be yours, always, and forever..

When you stare over at him and he’s doing his usual goofy dance,

And you can’t help but giggle at how silly he is.

When we’re doing our own thing together and I look and stare at you,

And there you are, playing your video game.

God, the excitement I get when I just fucking stare at you…

As I write this blog this instant.

Honestly, I’m not great at explaining my feelings, I’m so repetitive it’s insane. It’s like I try to explain how I feel, but every time it’s the same repetitive shit I always say. And there’s just no other way of saying how I feel out in some sort of different form. Like if I could legit say how much I love this man I would. Hell, I can’t even tell him how much because, well, every time I do try, I end up saying the same damn thing. It’s like, I can think it, but I can’t explain it. If that makes any sense.?

I’m very new to this whole, being “in love” thing. I never have been, and the moment I met him I knew he was the ONE for me. I don’t even know how to explain that. I just knew it, felt it.

I’m honestly not sure what else to say. Even when I have been drinking writing is still tough. Haha.

Thanks for reading guys. ❤️

Work Christmas Party

Vincent & I ❤️
Sarah & Adam
Blayde
Ryan & I ❤️
Vincent was not a fan of Santa haha!

Overthinker

Drinking away,

Kind of starting to feel the alcohol.

And all I do is think.

Sometimes maybe even overthink?

Overthink for no reason.

Like everything just all hits at once,

And it’s like what the fuck?!

I think of one thing, and move on to the next.

It’s an endless line of things running through my head.

I try to block away all the negative things, but it all just comes crashing back to me.

So I think until I overthink, to the point that I’m worried.

It’s like, my mind is playing games on me…making me overthink things when I shouldn’t..

Alright, I am for sure an over thinker. I always have been. Sometimes I just catch myself overthinking. Constantly, just thinking of anything and everything. I guess it goes along with anxiety.

Yet again, another unfinished blog that I had started I think back in September?

My overthinking has been a lot better. Yes, it’s still here and there. I try hard to talk myself out of overthinking. It’s hard but I’m trying.

Thanks for reading.❤️

German Day

Good morning! Here are some pictures and videos from German Day yesterday! Sorry I haven’t been writing. I still just have no honest clue what to write about. Hopefully, at some point I’ll get back into it!

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! ❤️

Vincent loves my sunglasses.
For some reason he loves the flash on my camera.
Midway laughing.
This is Dj our friends son, he was cold.
Ryan my love, and his son Blayde creeping.

Drunken thoughts on being alone

Holy shit….

I’m single,

Finally, by myself once again

Honestly, it’s amazing!

I found myself unhappy during this relationship..

Why?

I was no where near ready for one.

I honestly let the things he said crawl into my head and convince me that I could try and see how things would go.

I just wanted to be alone.

Be alone, focus on me, my son, our life

I enjoy being alone,

I don’t have someone up my ass 24/7

Telling me what I can and can’t do.

I feel free.

Honestly, my relationship before that,

Just really fucked with my head,

The fear of someone appearing into my life and my sons life,

And out of nowhere just fades away…scares me..

It’s better this way, to wait, to focus on myself and my son,

I can do better,

I can find better,

Someone who will want to be with me and my son,

Love both of us,

As of right now though?

It’s me and my son against the world.

Thanks for reading. ❤️

I’m not ready…

I’m not ready to be committed into a relationship.

I can’t seem to get myself 100% interested into someone.

I’m not fully myself just yet.

Honestly, I’m not sure when I will be myself.

I can’t give my all to someone.

It could be months, or even years.

I catch myself interested, but not fully able to give myself to someone.

Not just yet.

I have too much going on.

I feel the need to focus on me and my son.

The stress I deal with on a daily eats me alive and I just can’t be myself.

I shut down, I hide how I’m feeling or what I’m even dealing with.

I drink on my week alone.

Alone at home.

With only my thoughts, overthinking everything.

I’m just not ready.

Thanks for reading. ❤️